Pot or Kettle?

It has come to my attention that I have some old toothpaste in the kids monkey bathroom. We don't use our toothbrushes in the monkey bathroom very often-we mainly brush in the master bathroom. All of us. All four of us. At some moments, all four of us are in a space of about 3x6, brushing teeth, spraying hair, lotioning our bodies, shaving, etc. The family that bathes together, stays together? Is that how it goes? Well, anyways, back to the paste. I have some samples, well at one time there were alot of samples, of Crest. If I recall, my sister-in-law gave us tons of travel size toothpaste when she was in dental school. Well, we've been working on these tubes awhile. Keep this in mind while I continue with my other story. Don't worry. The stories will intersect.


Nana, my grandmother, has been known to keep things past their expiration date. Sometimes they are weeks expired, months, and even some, a year or two. I'm very paranoid about germs and bad food. Imagine my horror the day I discovered we all ate Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing for Christmas when it was expired the past spring!!! Nana claims that it is fine. It has been in the fridge. People left food out all day back in "the day". People didn't even have refrigerators and kept food just fine. I say they must have eaten alot of jerky for meat, but who am I?!? We, well I, love to give her a really hard time about the condiments in her fridge. I also found a pill bottle in her bathroom that had "The Corner Drug Store" logo on it. Yes, Iraan people. As in Murph Thorpe. How long has it been since Murph had the drugstore? A while. Quite a while. Like Bon Jovi wearing ripped jeans, long hair, and singing Living on a Prayer, while. She claims she just kept it for sentimental value. I'll buy that, Nana. Nonetheless, I make sure someone brings fresh ranch dressing at Christmas and love to tease Nana. (FYI-Nana is the healthiest person in our family. By far, the healthiest. Could she be onto something with the expired condiments, perhaps?)


So, with my recent discovery, I have found myself to be a pot. The pot that called the kettle black. A black witches cauldron pot. I thought this tube of Crest was kinda dull and plain tasting, but just chalked it up to the baking soda formula. What ever made me look at the tiny stamped numbers on the bottom of the tube, I'll never know. But I did. I looked at it.........................

August 2003. Which means this Crest should have been chunked when Slade Smart was 7 months old. Before he ate baby food meats. Before he had Halloween rotavirus. Before Finley was ever thought about. Before I really knew how to parent. Well, actually, I still don't know how to parent. I'm just winging it and hoping they don't turn out wearing Gothic clothing and get caught stealing cigarettes from the convenience store. Either way, this travel tube of Crest is OLD!!! The fresh mint has lost it's zing. And I'm pretty sure the whitening power is shot. And I know that I'm eating my words, Nana.


Now, you can decide. Am I the pot or am I the kettle??? Either way, they are both black. I wonder if Bon Jovi uses Crest.............................