My Friend, Charmin

If you happen to come across this blog and do not know me, you simply will be treated to a good laugh at my expense this morning. If you read this blog, and you do know and love me, well, you'll appreciate this story...........and be treated to a good laugh at my expense this morning.


Let's see, where to begin? I go to bed last night, a bit more spooked and on edge for a few reasons. 1.) I am four days away from having this baby and my sweet doctor just happens to be in Las Vegas. So for the last four days, I've been freaked out that he's not in the vicinity and will be home and back in the office on Monday morning. I flat out told him that he was supposed to go on vacation during other patients pregnancies, not mine. He laughed. 2.) I've been having a few random cramps here and there the past two days, which probably mean nothing, but seeing that I've never had a contraction in my life bc my first child was breech, I wouldn't know. I've only had csections and never once gone into labor. And again, my doctor is out or town this weekend. So you can understand, I'm on edge a bit. 3.) Just a few hours prior to bedtime last night, I had to, for the first time this pregnancy, go up to the hospital to be monitored because this child simply wouldn't move. So last night, I drive myself to labor and delivery, get in a gown, get hooked up to monitors to see why baby is not moving. Only to come to the conclusion that this child responds to cold, sugary apple juice. I had shaken, clapped, rolled, drank freezing cold water to try to get him to do something before I went up there last night. I got like one measly kick. So they give me a giant container of apple juice to drink and a button to push every time I feel him move. So I don't ever drink anything with sugar because I don't like sweet drinks and it hurts my already bad stomach. Well let me tell you, from the time I sat in the hospital bed with the clicker, he kicked and moved more times than he did from 6:15 yesterday morning till 6:15 last night combined. He went nuts rolling, kicking, moving. Ok, I felt ridiculous. This child responds to sugar. Note to self...when your baby won't move, give him hospital grade apple juice. Nice.


So I've set the scene of my night for you. I. am. a. wee. bit. flustered. this. weekend. Please get back into town, doctor.


I head to bed last night, excited to roll around like a walrus all night, with a stopped up nose, on my side, with a pillow propped up between my legs, and the prospect to getting up to go the bathroom at least 8-10 times. Yay to nights being nine months pregnant! Now, you are keeping in mind that I've never had a contraction, gone into labor, nada, so I have no past knowledge in this area. On about my third bathroom break last night, I get up and stumble to the bathroom. All stiff and sore, half asleep, delirious, I take my bathroom break. So when I finish, I stand up, pull up my panties, and take one step towards the bedroom. All the sudden I feel water, running down my legs, onto my calves, and into the floor in a puddle. My eyes open as wide as saucers and I look down at the wet tile. OH. MY. DEAR. GOODNESS! Did my freakin' water just break? I have to idea about the water breaking thing! This has never happened to me! What!?! In about 2.2 seconds, I was wide awake! So my initial reaction is to feel my underware in the front. Um, it's dry. Ok. I feel the back of them. Dry. Am I dreaming? Nope, I'm standing in water. My feet are wet. I'm confused.........Until I touch the waistband on the back of my undies.


In my sleepy delirium, my chosen piece of toilet paper had gotten caught in my panties, not fallen into the toilet. I seriously have no idea how it did this. It was all the way unrolled, the top of it wadded up along the waistband of my undies, with the back of my gown, I might add. The bottom of the piece, at some point before I stood up must have been hanging several inches into the toilet water. I can only come to the conclusion that Charmin can absorb a ridiculous amount of urine, toilet water-whatever the chosen liquid might be in only a few seconds. It's good stuff.

Roll of Charmin toilet paper.......$1.50
New pair of my favorite undies..........$6.50
A new gown from Kohls that I love.........$20.oo
The utter relief of realizing that I was standing in my bathroom in the middle of the night in urine soaked toilet water instead of amniotic fluid..........PRICELESS!

P.S.......Dear, Dr. Lampkin, I hope you enjoyed your trip to Las Vegas. I hope you relaxed and went to some great shows and won lots of money. I hope you feel refreshed and re-energized. Now, get your #%$ back to Lubbock! You are needed here-I cannot have my third baby without you. Sincerely, One Crazed Pregnant Lady